I DON'T want to LIKE YOU!!

I LIKE YOU and guess what? I DON'T WANT TO LIKE YOU.

But I just can't help it. Liking you is as natural as breathing for me. Which is very stupid really because I already know how to breathe before I met you.

I like you so much it hurts me. I like you so much, it's insanity if I start to like you more. I like you so much and yet you don't even care about me.

I don't want to do EMO posts anymore. But this is stressing me out. Finally admitting to myself that I like you more than I'm supposed to is STUPID. I just ended up hurting myself.

Aside from hurt, there is this feeling of JEALOUSY. My most hated feeling. I hate jealousy because it turns me to someone I don't know. I hate jealousy because it makes me see things blindly. I hate jealousy because it turns me to an irrational being. I hate jealousy, because it is the MOST DOMINANT feeling I feel since I started liking you.

I don't want to like you. So please tell me, HOW CAN I NOT LIKE YOU?!?!

It's MOVING...

It's MOVING!! Yeah, my LIFE's finally MOVING!!

I've been told by someone ";P Hehe medyo nakakasabay kasi ako sa takbo ng buhay mo eh.."
Then I asked myself, "Pano ba tumatakbo ang buhay ko ngayon?" It took me a while to find out the answer to that. And the answer that I should've known still caught me by surprise.

My life THEN wasn't moving at all. I cannot call it exactly as 'takbo' because I am stucked. Stucked somewhere in between uncertainty and certainty. I am not uncertain what to do and yet I am not also certain. Things just don't go the way their supposed to go.

I told that person (above) that my life isn't moving and I'm stucked, and his answer was "aandar din yan", and I realized, yes, somehow I have to make it move. I have to find a way to start my life all over again and make it move.

And its finally moving now. I found a reason to move on. A reason to walk away from that somewhere in between place. A reason to be certain of what to do again.

Sometimes, life, our life gets stucked. And it ceases to move. But we can't be stucked forever. If we have to push it ourselves just to keep it moving then do so. Pushing is not that easy, but once it started moving, the next steps wont be that hard anymore.

For those people whose lives are not moving. Give it a HARD push. You have friends to help you in that.=D

Piano Concerto - LOVE..=D

Last Saturday I attended my 2nd piano concerto (and that is counting the recital in which I played myself..=D).

Last week, my Mom told me that Aunt Jane is inviting us over for a birthday concerto for someone named Robert Coyiuto. My initial reaction was, 'who the hell is Robert Coyiuto?' I had no idea. My mom said that the Coyiuto were a family friend but I don't know them. Mommy also told me that Auntie Jane would be calling me anytime this week and would be sending my own invite for the concerto.

I may not know who Coyiuto is, but I won't let an opportunity like this pass. I'm not really good with piano, but somehow I know how to play. I even joined a recital back in my young-younger days. Yup, I played in a recital; with my Fleur Elise piece and my frilly-lacy-yellow dress with ribbons or was it ribbons with a dress?

I was 10 then. I remembered, I struggled to finish my piece. I was never the star student back then. I am one of those students who always get scolded by my mentor for not memorizing my pieces. But I enjoy playing the piano so much. I enjoy hearing good piano pieces. I enjoy everything about pianos.

So a chance like last saturday? I won't let that pass. I was supposed to go with a friend but he wasn't able to make it in time. So I just went with my parents. Met some old friends. Reunited with long lost friends. And found out that Coyiutos are really family friends. Auntie Jane, before she became a Cuyecheng, was a Coyiuto. So that's basically it.

It was a musical night. Musical, nostalgic night. The performes were all GOOD, no scratch that, the performers were the BEST! Someday, somehow, I can be as good as them too.=D

10 ways on how to heal a broken heart.

In my 20 years of existence, I think I can already say that I've already experienced most if not all of the pain in the world. So I think I also have the right to this kind of TOP 10.

SO here goes nothing..

----------------------------------------------

10. eat lots of ice creams..

09. if you're in a diet, content yourself with just ice.. same effect, less calories..

08. search for new possible 'inspirations'..

07. forget and forget!

06. cry until your tear glands burst..

05. watch mushy movies and bash their plots..

04. go out every now and then.. with different guys that is..

03. never talk about it with your friends.. you'll just tend to reminisce the past that way..

02. Sleep until the feeling goes away..=D

01. hurt yourself again(=p).. remember the law.. pain cancels pain..

-------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: all of the aforementioned ways has no proven therapeutic claims.. they are all based on my own exeprience.. but hey.. there's nothing bad in trying..

Pagpili

Darating ka sa punto ng buhay mo na kakailanganin mong mamili kung ang gagawaen mo ay

---yung pinananiwalaang mong tama
O
---yung sinasabe ng iba na tama.

Siguro ngayon, tagapag-masid ka lang.
Walang pakeelam sa mundo.
Nabubuhay na parang wala ng bukas.
Masaya. Tumatawa.
Malungkot. Lumuluha.

Marame ka pang oras. Gawen mo na ang lahat ng kailangan mong gawen.
Marame ka pang oras. Paligayahin mo na lahat ng pedeng paligayahin.
Marame ka pang oras. Huminto ka na sa pagbibilang.

At sa oras na kinakailangan mo ng mamili...
Wag ka na mag-isip...
Sundin ang PUSO, kahit nde na ito tumitibok..
Tanungign ang UTAK, kahit matagal na itong tulog..

Walang ibang magpapaligaya sayo. IKAW LANG.
Walang ibang nakakakilala sayo. IKAW LANG.
Walang ibang makakapili para sayo. IKAW LANG.

Kaya kung ang PAGPILI ay ang tanging natitirang paraan.
PILIIN ANG MAGPAPALIGAYA SAYO.
PILIIN MO AKO.

Ano daw??

I have a heart... I wish I don't

and it's not working properly. It's not doing its job properly.

I wonder.. hmmm..

"If you have 5 more months to live, what would you do?"

-- a very common question asked during retreats, and other solemn religious activities. A question most of the time answered by outrageous stuffs; outrageous, extravagant, impossible stuffs.

Also, this kind of question is answered by "live life to the fullest".. and probably that is the most cliche response you'll get. I see its point. Do what you have to do. Enjoy every moment. Be happy and make others happy.

Those two answers are the most common answers you'll hear from people when faced with that kind of question. But in my case, if asked that question, I'm pretty sure, I cannot answer.

5 months is 5 SHORT EFFING MONTHS!! What can I do in 5 months? I can't even get happily married in 5 months. And that's my no.1 dream, to get married! Really, I have no idea how to answer that kind of question. Most people plan. Most people know what they want in life. Most people schedule their. But when all of a sudden, you are presented that kind of question, "MAKAKA-PAGISIP KA PA BA NG MATINONG SAGOT??"

We are given freewill. We are given choices. But there are times, there's nothing to choose from anymore. There's nothing left.

---------------------------------

WAAA.. NONSENSE POST!!=D

Of tricycles and ferraris

Money can NEVER buy TRUE HAPPINESS, but isn't it MORE COMFORTING to cry inside a FERRARI than in a TRICYCLE.=D

- Dont we all agree to that? =P

Love and Respect

It's not LOVE I feel, not anymore, it's RESPECT.

I have this longing deep within me. A longing for someone who have disappeared a long time ago. A longing I cannot understand.

But it is not love and that is one thing I am very much sure of. I loved him then, or at least I think I did. But that was SO YESTERDAY..=p. What I feel for him now is just RESPECT, though I don't think he deserves that.

Seeing him TODAY was like seeing him again for the first time. Everything is so different. The timing, the setting, everything. Even he and I are different now. So much have changed. I have anticipated that change, but the intensity of it still surprised me. We are more different now than we are back then. It was not a question of our beliefs anymore neither our personality nor set of friends. It is a question of everything.

Thank you, for seeing me again, for letting me defend myself, for giving me the chance to explain, THANK YOU. It takes more than a year to bring back what was lost, but it will come. It definitely will come.

Let's PLAY!!=D

I have a game in mind.
A game as old as time.
A game designed for more than two.
A game that will be played by me and you.

Realization took me some time.
For things to make sense and rhyme.
There is someone I like right now.
He makes me feel good somehow.

I'll be giving out a clue or two,
A clue for what is true.
Let's get it started, my game so real
And tell me what I really feel.

------------------------------------
OHKAY!! That did not made any sense. Anyway, LET'S PLAY A GAME MY DEAR FRIENDS!!! Since, many of you are curious, let's play a game.=D

This is just a simple guessing game. This is the "Guess who do I like" game. Actually, I got this idea from Lance and I have nothing to lose anyway.=D.

Mechanics:
1.) Everyone's WELCOME to join.
2.) One guess per person.
3.) There would be 2 clues given out to help you in guessing.
4.) There are various ways of telling me your guess:
*Personally
*SMS
*Personal Message
*Comments (but no names.=D)

And that's that, simple eh?=D.. all you have to do is guess. You'll know if you guessed correctly because I'll be treating you out. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Merienda, Coffee, Beer(choose 1). NO JOKE.=D

So let's start the guessing...=D

CLUES:
1.) Liking him was UNEXPECTED.
2.) He does NOT LIKE me as much as I like him.

Vague noh? Of course, this will also test how much you know me..=D.. And these vague clues will make things more exciting.

GUESS AWAY DEARIES.=D

Something to apologize for..

I think I need to apologize for...

And that is for the foul words I used last night in my post. I think I should' not have done that. It's not right. I am more emotional than rational. I am not thinking properly and I think I hate myslef more than anyone else last night.

What happened last night was something I wont mention anymore. It's too personal, too private and persons who are close to my heart are too much involved.

All I can say is, "OH HELL!! I should not be really blogging something when my emotions are not making any sense."

I'm okay now. Well, at least I think I am. I am in a more defined mind-set now. Though still feeling slightly disappointed, I think I am okay.

I wont defend myself. Using foul words, it was all wrong. And I really apologize for it.

BADTRIP

Alam niyo kung ano ang nakaka-bad trip to the highest level???

UNG MAG-EEFFORT KA NA NGA NG SOBRA-SOBRA, HINDE PA MA-AAPPRECIATE!!!

NAKAKABADTRIP TALAGA!!!!

PUTANGINA!!

Too late

"Is it already too late if I say, I LIKE YOU?"

--> Yep I like someone. It took me some time to realize it, accept it, and live with it. Normally when I like someone, I am VERY vocal about it. I like him, and that's that. So I see no reason why I should keep it a secret.

But this someone is a very different case.

When I realized that I like him, it was already too late. People have already realized it for me.
When I accepted the fact that I like him, it was MORE THAN too late. People started thinking otherwise.
And when I am all ready to tell the world and live with it, there's NOTHING left anymore. People wont believe me now.

Things, people, time change. Its an endless process.

Things change people, people changes time, time changes things and the cycle goes on.

So, if I tell you that I like you, would you still believe it?

Confessions of a judgmental coed: Stop!

"It's time to stop Maika! It's time to stop"

Those were his last words before he boarded the plane to Cebu. It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and here she stands waving at him, calling out a few more 'bilins of pasalubongs' when out of the blue he shouted out those words.

That caught Maika by surprise. Where did those came from? She smiled, shook her head and attempted to shout back a retort, but she caught a hold of herself. It would be utterly emabarassing for her if she do that.

What Maika just did was texted Riley her answer to his parting words.

"I've been trying to do that for years now. Before, I was getting nowhere. But now, somehow I am moving on. Yes, I've stopped and moved on"

All the only reply she got was

"=D"

And somehow she feels a lot better now. These past few days, she's been feeling down, wretched, and every damn thing you can think of. But now, she feels good, happy, elated and every nice thing there is.

"Hinde ako emo, I'm a writer"

It stops here. Everything stops here.

"Hinde ako emo, I'm a writer"- Vetzky

And I think there is a big difference on being an EMO and being a WRITER. A writer, EMO or NOT can write and has the right to write EMO posts without triggering the curiosity of others. And since I am a writer, don't you think I deserve that privilege too?

I write EMO posts for the sake of art and I think I don't have to always explain myself to anyone.=D

EMO-season is OVER. Expect less EMO posts from me starting today. I might not help it from time to time but I'll start blogging on happy things again.=D

Goodbye EMO-writer. Hello Vetzky.=D

A letter...

This a letter for someone out there. Someone I can't face yet. Someone dear to me.

To whom it may concern:

Next time that you'll be asking me out, please don't bring your girlfriend with you...

I'm not the other girl. I don't want to be the other girl, not anymore. Would you please? I'm trying to move on here. That's what you asked me to do, pleaded me to do, and WHAT I NEEDED TO DO. So please stop giving me reasons to think otherwise.

I saw you in my future, and I am tryingmy best to erase that future right now. I know (because you insisted) that we can never have a future together and I understand that, I respect that. But with what you are doing right now, I'm having a hard time envisioning my future.

I can't you see you; I can't see you and her together.

I want...

"Gusto ko na din ng boyfriend para may manlibre sa aken sa mga outing!!!!"

---

Had dinner with my college friends last friday night, Ralph's treat.=D *shouts* THANKS SO MUCH RALPHIE *shouts*

Few people were able to come. Everyone has some sort of excuse. It's frustrating. Anyway, I enjoyed that night so much.

So many laughters, reminiscing the good old times, endless teasing and every college thing we did back then. I want a repeat of that, and if possible every friday.=D

wear a mask today..

The other day, I WAS NOT OKAY...
Yesterday, I WAS ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING DOWN...
And today?? I have to pretend that I am OKAY again.

----------------------------------------

It's like a broken record. It keeps on playing and playing, nonstop, same verse. Its stuck and I am not going anywhere. Before, I thought that sleeping was a very powerful de-stressing activity. That once you've woken up, everything will be back to normal, everything will be fine. But that's not how it is anymore. Sleeping is not helping anymore. I still wake up feeling pretty much the same to what I was feeling before I slept and if possible I feel much worse.

I must admit, I don't feel like smiling nor laughing nor doing any goofy stuffs today. I'd rather stay silent, be left alone and think things over. But that is not possible, so I think I just have to wear my mask again, be the Vetzky everyone knows, and start pretending that happiness is my middle name.

Gogogo!!=D

ano daw??

PUTIK!!!

KAUSAPEN NIYO AKO!! KELANGAN KO NG KAUSAP!! NASSTRESS AKO!!

TAKTE!!!

How does it feels???

So this is how it feels to be NOT liked.

These past few days, something happened that made me happy. But then again why am I not happy right now?

I know how it feels to be hated. I know how it feels to be liked. BUT I don't know how it feels to be NOT liked. It is a feeling somewhere in between. You are not hated and yet you are not liked either. It is a very confusing feeling. But all I can say, I feel very bad. Its like there is no choice anymore.

I don't feel okay. I think I'm not okay.

MAG BBREAK DIN KAYOOOO!!!

Wahahahaha!!!

Ambadbad ko.. Peo bakit ba??

Nagpapakatotoo lang ako.

I can't say "I'm happy for you" anymore. I can't even think about it. I am not happy for you, I am not happy for myself and right now, all I am wishing is bad luck for you. I think that makes me a very bad person but who cares?? I guess I already got tired of caring TOO MUCH without even getting CARED for in return. I've reached my limit.

MAGBBREAK DIN KAYO!!!

And when that time comes, don't come to me asking for another chance for there would be none. You'll regret choosing her over me.

Oh dear God. Look what I've become. You turn me into this. Your lies, your broken promises, everything. Oh dear God, I just wish you happiness..='(

I love RAIN

The rain; it makes me happy.=D

Got VERY VERY wet today. It was raining hard, I did not bring my umbrella and there are no pedicabs anywhere so I walked all the way to our house.

And while walking, I was also sort of playing in the rain. I took my time walking. I didn't mind getting soak. I was enjoying every raindrop. I let the rain wash over me.

And because of the rain, things that are not meant to be seen are hidden, disguised. Feelings that are not meant to be said out loud can be shouted but still be drowned by the pouring rain. And the past that can never be forgotten is slowly being washed away.

Oh how I love the rain! =D.. It brings back fond memories, it brings back the old Vetzky.

Veritas.. at last?!?!

May yearbook na daw! May yearbook na daw! May yearbook na daw!

Finally after 5 long years of wait, my HS yearbook is here!!!!

Eh paano ko naman kaya kukunin sa school yun eh may work na ako?? darn!

I can't absent myself from work... USTHS is closed during saturdays.. darn excited na pa man din ako..

Win me back..

"I have nine months to win her back"-- Paolo Paraiso.

--And that is the sweetest thing I've ever heard this whole day. Was watching a local entertainment channel when I saw this headline--

"""MYLENE DIZON, BUNTIS ULIT. PAOLO PARAISO, AMA."""

--For people who don't know them, these two are celebrity couples who broke up months/years ago (i really have no idea). They had a child back then too, and that was before they broke up. Last I heard, these two are not yet in the 'lovers' mode again. So, a news like the one above is surprising.

But what I liked about this news is how Paolo reacted to the issue. He was positive. He was happy and he was uberly sweet.

Win her back again??? Most bachelors dont even have that idea crossing their minds. It only shows how resposible Paolo is. Maybe things didn't worked out for them before, but maybe this time it will.

I have no idea why I am blogging about things like this. It's just that, hearing that statement above really made my day. From a girl's point of view, hearing something like that is really sweet.

Speaking of winning back. There is something that wasn't won back today. I'm actually sort of depressed because UST wasn't able to bag the championship the UAAP cheerdance competition. But still I want to congratulate the 'gawi' dancers for making it to the 2nd place. You did your best guys! Let's hope for the better next year and WIN BACK the crown that's rightfully ours.=D

Here are the winners:

1st - UP
2nd - UST
3rd - FEU

--all universities did their best but only the three best among the best can be acknowledged. Kudos!=D

What I feel LAST NIGHT - summarized.

"I love you more than a friend but we can never be more than that.."

"If you love me, then why wont you let me go?"

"I hate being in the shadows. Aside from taking away my eye-sight, it is also taking away my identity."

"I'm not the other girl. I just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Being me sucks, but being you??? It's UNTHINKABLE!!!"

"I already gave you more than I can give. And you're still asking for more?"

"I want my freedom back, I want to fall in love again. BUT NOT WITH YOU."

"I wont wait! Not anymore! I'm going now!" *Vetzky turns her back, trips, and falls all over again*

Darn! I'm PISSED!!!

TANGA AKO?!?!

Kung tanga ako, 100% sure GAGO KA!!

------------------------

There are moments in my life when I feel like things are not going my way.

There are places in my life where I cannot go back anymore

There are people in my life that serve as my strength thru good and bad times.

BUT ALSO

There are people in my life that did NOTHING but
>>>>PUT ME DOWN
>>>>HURT ME
>>>>MAKE ME FEEL DESPICABLE

Darn!Darn!Darn!

I need time and space. MAHIRAP BA INTINDIHIN UN???

Darn! I'm PISSED!!!

TANGA AKO?!?!

Kung tanga ako, 100% sure GAGO KA!!

Your LIES make me HAPPY

Just heard something that made me happy..

"Please stay. I want you beside me. I need you beside me." - ryoi-chan

BALIW KA!! at ako??

I know that you NEEDING me is a LIE. And I never thought you are that stupid to think that I won't know you are lying. And I think I am MORE STUPID to believe it even though I fully aware that it's a lie. Doesn't make sense noh??

It's so frustrating. Why can't you just mean what you say? That way, I would be spared from the dillemma I feel coming, it will arrive any moment now. PLEASE just MEAN what you SAY, just MEAN IT.

Believing is not a bery hard thing to do. I even believe your LIES. But isn't it better if instead of believing your lies, I'll be believing the truth?

Anyway, I AM STILL HAPPY. You want me to stay and stay I shall. I have nowhere else to go anyway. I have no one else to wait for. So I'd rather wait for you and your lies.

Your LIES really made me HAPPY.=D

more months to come..

All things UNSAID are better left UNSAID. But then again, I have to say them ALL OUT LOUD.

here goes nothing..
----------------------------------------------------

Nakakalungkot... Nde pa ako nakakarinig ng Christmas Song..

Normally kase on the onset of September nakakarinig na ako christmas carols. Kaya nalulungkot tuloy ako.

Pag ber-months na, usually masaya ako. Kase ibig sabihin malapet ng dumating ang mga special na araw para sa akin. Kaya lang, ngayon ska last year parang naiinis ako kase ber-months na. Parang ayaw ko pa. Parang ayaw ko na.

Andame na kaseng bagay, pagkakataon, tao, at oras na hinde na puede bumalik. Lahat nawala at umalis na lang ng bigla. Lahat alaala na lang ng nakalipas. And sobrang nakakalungkot isipin yun. That everything, every single thing, won't happen again and would just be a memory that may fade in time.

Nakaka-frustrate. Gusto ko na makarinig na christmas carol. Baka somehow malighten nun spirit ko. Lift up lang, kahit konti.

Marame pa akong gustong ikwento at sabihin. Peo I can't put them to words. Nakakainis. Para akong sasabog. Naipon na silang lahat. KELANGAN KO NG XMAS CAROL,, NOW NA!!
-------------------------------------
And that above is what you call a PIECE OF CRAP. Well, it makes sense. Because right now, I feel CRAPPY and SHITTY...

Ber..Ber..Ber-Months FINALLY..=D

Yatta!Yatta!Yatta!

I've been waiting for this. BUT why am I not as happy as I should be??

Maybe because I'm in some kind of a dilemma right now. I can't seem to decide if I should stay in my comfort zone where there is something definite for me, or try exploring something new which I am very interested in?

I really don't know what to do...

waaaa...

thank God. I'm not yet ready...

BATA PA AKO?!?!?

Honestly, talking about 'matured' things such as sex and the likes do not bother me. Though I must admit that I've never, not even once, saw a porn video (anime or real people).

I guess my being open-minded is a factor why I don't avoid talking about 'adult' stuffs. I have nothing against premarital sex. I dont cringe when I hear the word masturbation or anything similar. I don't condemn 'one-night-stands'. I know how things are don. I thing I am made of sterner stuff than any other ordinary girl because I can stomach conversations you only hear often from boys.

And because of those simple facts, I think NO I claim that I am already a grown up. Well, sans the fact that I've never seen a porn film, but considering everything else, I think I'm already matured enough. But then again, I have to rethink my claim.

How do we categorize grown-ups and kids? the way they act? the things they do? the way they think? how they respond to things? How do we know?

Akala ko matanda na ako at kaya ko na makipag-sabayan sa mga tao sa paligid. Pero hanggang kinig lang pala ako. Kwento?? Walang wala.

I've been talking with a friend I haven't seen for a long time. We were so much alike. Well, that's how we became friends anyway. But WE WERE SO MUCH ALIKE BACK THEN. And I guess a lot has changed now. And based from her stories and stuffs, we were SO MUCH DIFFERENT NOW. I am still the same Vetzky, more open-minded, more educated, more informed but the still the same naive Vetzky.

I thought I already know so a lot of things just because I hear them most of the time, and just because stories my friends tell me revolve around things only grown ups know I thought I am already one of them. But then again I am not.

I am not even close. They say that experience is the best teacher, and I guess that teacher and I were not introduced yet.

waa.. BOTHERED nanaman ako. Last time I was this bothered, it took me almost 3 months to get over my shock. How long will it take me now??

I realized, people around me are changing. But I don't want to experience the same change they have undergone, well at least not yet. I think I am NOT YET MATURED ENOUGH.

OO BATA PA AKO! Eh ano ngayon?!?

Confessions

I don't like you...
Not really
I just CAN'T hate you AS MUCH AS I SHOULD

And it FRUSTRATES me
The fact that I LIKE the things
I should be hating about you

I should've stopped
Stopping wasn't so hard then
And now IT'S TOO LATE

STOPPING IS IMPOSSIBLE

I don't like you...
Not really
I just cant hate you NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

------vetzky