Idiosyncrasy

*Till now, I always got by on my own. I never cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bones.*

Like a broken record, it keeps on playing and playing inside my head..NONSTOP. And it is so effing annoying. Iono why, but I keep on hearing the song Alone(by heart) playing over and over again.

Yey! My 300hours are up! I am finally done with my OJT. But somehow, I can't help but feel sad. I'll surely miss everyone from ITSS. I had the utmost fun in my 1 and a half month of stay there. Everyone was so nice and accomodating. I wish I could extend my stay. But then That would be impossible, ne? Because I still have my studies to consider. Hmm.. But from all of them, I'll definitely miss Sir ChieChan the most. Wanna know why?

I hope he won't be able to find this blog because what I am about to spill is sensitive and would make things complicated if he somehow finds out.

Anyway.. Since then, the beginning of time. I've always been attracted to guys, wrong guys, guys who never cared about me or guys who are already taken. And when I say taken I mean those guys who are already committed and who are very loyal to their partner. Wuhla lang, it's frustrating I know. But that's how it frequently is. Curious why? well, maybe that's because I see how they take care of their partner and how they cherish them. And then it makes me wonder what if I am at that girl's place, then without realizing it, my playful wondering would then turn to something serious and before I know it I've already fallen for the guy. It boggles my mind, why I keep on doing this? A thing that I know would hurt me in the end. I have no plans of getting in between happy couples or in being a third party. So everytime I fall for a guy who is already taken, I always tend to keep it all to myself. Which I know is the best thing to do to avoid others getting hurt. Then in the end, it is I who hurt the most. But I just can't help it. Maybe I am a masochist, because I enjoy hurting myself over and over again. I never learn.

I keep on wondering when does this idiosyncrasy of mine began. I even think that this is not just an idiosyncrasy but a sickness, a sickness that can never be cured. But then Ryoi-chan came, and I thought I finally got over my idiosyncrasy, I got cured from my sickness. because finally, I fell for someone who is free and who actually cares about me too. I was very happy, I was cured, But then, it was all a joke, a lie. I wasn't really cured at all, because when Ryoi-chan left, i had a relapse. My sickness came back. Yes it came back.

And the latest victim? Sir ChieChan! ChieChan is a employee from where I am having my OJT. At first, I really dont pay too much attention to him because I am busy ogling after Sir Mark (another co-worker). But I must admit that ChieChan caught my attention the first time I saw him. He looks so innocent, so child-like. And before I realize it, I grew fond of him. But I regarded that fondness as something sisterly-like. I always wanted a boy-sibling, it can either be older or younger. It doesn't matter. And I see ChieChan as a candidate for that.

But as the time progresses by, that fondness grew into something more. From the sisterly-like fondness, it continued to developed into something far more exciting and dangerous. I am already falling in love with him, and when I fall, I fall hard. Actually, I see nothing wrong with falling for him. He is nice, he does not look bad, he is intelligent and he has a great sense of humor. The only drawback is, he has a girlfriend. They've been together for 11yrs now and to make things worse, they are already engaged!

OUCH! See what I've gotten myself into? Another messy heartbreak. And guess what? My friends cant help but cheer on me to pursue him! What the ****!!! I maybe a flirt (a shameless one, even) but I never dally with stick-to-one, loyal boyfriends. My friends say that as long as they're not yet married, nothing is final! but HELLO!! maybe they are not yet a family but still, if ever I encourage what I am feeling, I would still make things hard for them(I won't be able to break a relationship apart, that is too much! I am not even beautiful enough to be a bf-stealing bitch) I am a product of a broken family, and I know how much it hurts. And I am not that bad to make other people feel the pain, even half of it. I hate hurting other people, though sometime I unconsciously do it. My conscience just can't bear the thought that I am the cause of other's pains and sorrows. So as much as I can I try to avoid hurting others.Well, sometimes, I do intentionally hurt other people. Especially those who are close and special to me. But, If they are suffering, I feel twice if not thrice the pain they are feeling. I suffer too, though I am very good at hiding it.

And of course, I dont want ChieChan to know my feelings. For one simple reason! That is, it also hurts to know that someone is stupidly waiting in vain for you. And in the process of waiting, that someone is suffering because it knows in its heart that no matter how long it waits, it would still and will forever be waiting in vain for you. And it is only human nature to also feel pain when you found out that someone is suffering because of you. And I don't want ChieChan to feel that kind of feeling. It's not a good one.

Hay, I am itching to meet my Prince Charming who has with him the cure for my sickness. Since I'm already done with my OJT, I hope I would be able to get over my stupid fondness to ChieChan.. I'll be missing him big time, and maybe the next time we see each other he'll already be married. My only wish is for him to be happy and for him not to find out what I really feel. Please gods! Grant me this boon, never let ChieChan find out my true feelings.

*How do I get you ALONE? How do I get you ALONE?*