Reality Has Bitten Vetzky

*A dreamer is what I am...
I think, well, I hope everything's okay now. Maybe I could get back to writing and posting now.

I am the kind of person who hate changes very much. I always tend to cling on the past, the past where I find my comfort zone.

It's been almost 4yrs since I left the warm and cuddly and safe and secure high school life. It's been 4yrs since I entered the dangerous and exciting and compicated college life. But I must admit, I can't still let go of the memories of the past.

Currently, I am on the process of developing a highly-complicated program (which is actually very simple) that my ever so fragile mind cannot cope with it. Because I needed more resources to support and continue developing this highly-complicated program (which is actually very simple), I figuratively and literaly turned my room upside down looking for old-notes and old-books. And guess what I found? Instead of old and dusty programming books, I found an old big dusty envelope (which in the latter part brought upon my dreaded allergies) that contains so many retreat letters from my junior and senior years in high school.

And instead of keeping it away again, which is something I should've done only if I was thinking correctly, and go back to developing the highly complicated program (which is actually very simple) I left hanging for a while. I blew off the dust (and worsen my already worse-beyond-cure allergies) and started sorting off the letters and reading each of them.

And that experience was like a time-travel for me. I never thought that those silly, sometimes touching letters could bring forth so many memories of the past. The first letter I read was from Allan Tope and I was already laughing out loud. Allan and I were classmates since freshmen upto our junior years.

In UST-HS, we don't have a block section, students were shuffled every year so there is a very little chance that 2 students would be classmates until they graduate well except for those nerdy students who belong in the top class.(unluckily or luckily I am not one of them)

Actually that letter from Allan says nothing but the usual "happy RetreaT! enjoy! god bless! and thank you for your friendship!" -monotonous retreat letter. What made me laugh is the fact that though we've already been classmates for 3-long-years, he still don't know how to spell my name. I know that my name is not vey common but I am not claiming that is also unique. So, I see no reason why people keeps on misspelling it, which is kinda frustrating. Really. GUYS MY NAME SPELLS LIKE THIS Y-V-E-T-T-E and it is PRONOUNCED LIKE "EEHVET".

Anyway, moving on. I have also read letters from my barkada "kulto" so we call ourselves (don't ask why that's our group name) and also letters from Din and Miks. As expected, these letters held more memories and meaning than all the other letters combined. I've been with these guys, like forever, though we all just met each other during that 4yrs stay we had in UST high. Reading letters from my closest friends in high school was like a roller-coaster ride of emotions with 10 deadly, highly exciting and dangerous loops. There were letters that after reading I couldn't help but laugh out loud up to the point that my cousin who is just in the room next time can't help but see if I already lose my sanity. Then there are letters that makes me cry, actually they are not those sad, painful kind of letter. but, I don't know it still makes me cry. There are also letters that make me think back and reflect and then after all those grueling thinking and reflection, all I could say to myself is;

"Who is that girl they are talking to in that letter?"

And then, I would realize. People around me now tell me that I am so childish and immature, but I wonder if they have knew me then, would they still be saying the same thing. While reading the letters, I was evaluating myself and all the changes I have undergone these last 3 yrs. Yeah, I've changed, changed alot for that matter but not too drastic I hope.

I think, and I am sure that I've already matured alot in my years as a college student. Maybe because I was exposed to the real world, where the idealistic me cannot exist. Where I was stripped off the mask I was wearing and I was exposed for all the world to see. By reading all those letters, I was able to see a solid-proof that I have really undergone a lot of changes. Though admittedly not all those changes are good changes. Some, if not most, are pretty bad. But all those things sum up to what I am now.

I am not that overly-weak "vetzky" who can cry over lots of stupid things anymore.
I am not that childish and desperate "vetzky" who stalks and chases her crush all over the campus.
I am not that clown "vetzky" who can laugh thru her tears and make her friends laugh with her.
I am not that silly "vetzky" who tries so hard to imitate amadeus mozart's laugh to the point of embarassing herself in front of others.
I am not that cowardly "vetzky" that screams like and idiot everytime she hears anything that has to do with ghosts.

I am not that "vetzky" that I was once before. NOT ANYMORE.

I am the new tough "vetzky" who does not cry easily and could hide her traitorous emotions behind a smile.
I am the new mature "vetzky" who does not make falling in and out of love a hobby.
I am the new finesse "vetzky" who thinks before acting.
I am the new wiser "vetzky" whom you cannot easily fool.
I am the new brave "vetsky" who is ready at whatever problems and trials that would come her way.

I am still the same "vetzky". The SAME CHANGED "VETZKY" though.

how was that for a contradiction? But, true enough, I am still the same "vetzky", the only difference was I am not the same idealistic "vetzky" anymore and blame it all to reality. For when reality bites, it really bites. You know, with all those marks and blood and..Ohkay I dont have to go thru all the gross parts, right?..

Well, those among you who have been bitten by reality already must know how painful the bite is.

And it doesn't fade, it marks you, the pain stays, the only thing you can do is mask that pain so that nobody would notice, But it is there. It is there to remind us that is has bitten us and can bite us again just to bring us back to reality.

To remind us that we cannot live forever on our fantasy world.

Being a constant Dreamer, I know. I know that the ideal world we create in our minds is sometimes very ideal and very tempting. It coerce us into leaving reality and continue living in our own fantasy world. But it just isn't done. One way or another we have to go back to reality, either we go back on our own will or we have to be dragged kicking and shouting. The bottom line is we have to go back and live life the way it should be.

*...a Dreamer forced to leave her fantasy to live REALITY.