It is still different..

It was so long since I last walked the pathways of UST. Actually I had no plans of going out this weekend. I just wanted to sleep all day. Get the rest I was so deprived of.

But I got bored. I woke up at around 5 in the morning. Ate some chocolates then tried sleeping again. Then I realized, I cant sleep anymore. I'm still sleep deprived, I barely got 4 hours of sleep but I can't sleep anymore. It's 5am in the morning and I am already wide awake. That's something new. hmm..

Anyway, for the lack of anything to do, I texted some of my friends, asking them out. A few replied, then plans are made.

Fortunately, Ralph and the gang are also planning to meet up in UST and play DOTA (hmm,.. boys..). I don't want to play DOTA but I have nothing else to do. And what convinced me was, Ralph's willing to let me play his DS while they are playing DOTA. Oh well, that's better than staying at home doing nothing and ending up doing EMO stuffs. So I met up with them in UST. Joshua, Alvin, Leo, Nolchan, Lubert and Chawchaw were also there. Just grabbed some lunch at Yellow Cab. After that, Leo, Ralph, Nolchan and I went to Pacific.

Their game took 4 hours. And even though I was also playing, I got really bored too..

It was still different. Hmm.. I missed their company so much. I missed Leo's L-ness, Nolchan's gay-ness, and especially the comfortable silent moments with Ralph.=D

I missed the stories only those boys undertand but I am also allowed to hear. I missed the nonsense laughters. I missed everything.

I'm living, breathing in a new world now. A world so different from the world I had with them. I am already in the professional world. I am already living reality. And going back once in a while is like a breath of fresh nostalgic air.

At first, when I just started working. I thought the the environment in Globe is no different with the environment I just left. But what I did not realized was, I am still at the point of adjustment and once adjusted only then would I feel the impact of the difference.

I am feeling that difference now, not yet the full impact, but still I am feeling the difference.

A BIG DIFFERENCE...

On giving up...

I may talk everyday like I won't ever get tired...
Laugh as if it is my last...
I give advices to problems like as if I know how to handle mine...
I live my life as if everything's just fine...

BUT THE TRUTH IS...

'GIVING UP' is already next in line..

I missed....

I was gone for 4 days and I missed a lot of things.. AND surprisingly, I got missed too..=D

These would be a series of nonsense convos.. Let's see where this would take me..

---------------------------------------------------------
August 20 - Before take-off (voice)

Him: Oh, ingat and enjoy ka dun ha.
Her: enjoy?? waa eh parang chaperone lang ako ng mom ko dun. Bawal nga ako lumabasa mag-isa.
Him: worried lang sila. Ikaw pa, eh lapitin ka ng disgrasya
Her: thank you. (sarcastic)
Him: Nagsasabe lang ako ng totoo. Ah basta, I want you back, safe and sound
*habang kinikilig*
Her: you want me back?
Him: What I mean is I want you BACK HOME. Sige, ingat ka na lang. Text ka pag andun ka na.

August 20 - Just landed(SMS)

Her: Just landed.
Him: Good. May ginagawa ako, call you later. Hwag pasaway dyan ha.>=p. I miss you already.

August 21 - Early Morning (SMS)

Him: Gud morning. Rise and shine. Papasok na ako ng ofc. Miss na kita. Ingat ka ha. =)

August 21 - After Dinner (voice)

Him: Nakakatampo ka. Si ****** tinatawagan mo. Tapos ako hinde mo man lang matxt. Hinde ka magttxt hangga't hinde ako nagttxt.
Her: Eh oath taking nila kaya ngayon. Binati ko lang. Bakit nag-oath taking ka rin ba?
Him: That is not the issue.
Her: Ang demanding mo. Baka magalet gf mo sa aken niyan.
Him: Bakit naman magagalit?
Her: Wala lang.
Him: Don't put meaning into everything I say or do. Friends tayo, masama bang mamiss kita?

-----------------------------

Bull shit, ne?

I mean, if he does not want me to put meaning in it then he should stop doing what he is doing. And the fact that he never did those *concerned* *worried* things for me before is not helping.

He knows how much I like him although I do my effing best to pretend that I don't. Liking him is the most tiring, most stressful and most stupid thing I did. But I still do it. I can't help it, I like him.

If the feeling of 'like' can just vanish with the snap of a finger, then my fingers would probably be bleeding right now because I don't know how to snap them.

Argh...

The truth be told..

I like you SO MUCH, it HURTS...

I don't want to be conscious.
I don't want to notice.

But I can't help it. No matter how hard I pretend, no matter how hard I try. Its fighting to break free. My feelings for you are starting to surface. It cannot be stopped. Its too late to STOP.

-------

I've been convincing myself, since way, way back then that I don't like you, that I am not falling for you. Why? Simply because I don't want to.

But no matter what I do, I just cannot stop myself. And now look at me. IN LOVE; hopelessly IN LOVE WITH YOU. And though I know that it is an UNREQUITED love, I don't mind.

Argh! Dear God. Of all people, WHY YOU???

It keeps on playing,,,

I'm in the office right now. Doing absolutely nothing.

We were supposed to meet with Ms. Cherry this afternoon but she's on a leave. So my rotation team mates and I had no choice but to laze the afternoon away.

Hmm.. There's this song playing over and over again in my head since last night. I don't know why, but its a like a broken record stucked in my head. Just want to share it with you guys..=D

------------------

Someone the I used to love
By: Barbara Streisand

When I wake up each morning trying to find myself
And if I’m ever the least unsure I always remind myself
Though your someone in this world that I’ll always choose to love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love

As for me it’s getting down to the last unspoken part
When you must begin to ease the pain of a broken heart
Tell me why should I even care if I have to lose your love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love

Wish it was enough for you
All the love I had to give
I did my best to keep you satisfied
I guess you’ll never know how much I tried
I really tried

And if ever our paths should cross again
Well, you won’t find me being the one to get lost again
Once I had so much to give but you just refused my love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love

I did my best to keep you satisfied
I guess you’ll never know how much I tried
I really tried

When I wake up each morning trying to find myself
And if I’m ever the least unsure I always remind myself
Though you’re someone in this world that I’ll always choose to love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love
Though you’re someone in this world that I’ll always choose to love
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love

Hmm, from now on you’re only someone that I used to love

----------------------------

Waa, that's it. The song playing in my mind over and over again.. I don't know if that means anything to anyone. I think its just an LSS (last song syndrome), but the weird part is, I did not heard this song somewhere. It just played in my mind, all of a sudden (if that is even possible).

Oh well, I am not in love. BUT I am trying to forget.=D

I feel err fine??

Know what I find funny?

That everyday, I wake up, do my thing and think that I'll be facing the world again, ALL ALONE.

But just today I realized, I AM NOT. I was NEVER alone. I just thought I was. And that is one of the things I've regretted.

I should learn to START trusting the RIGHT person and STOP trusting the WRONG ones.

I've been hurt so many times before. Betrayed. Got played. Shamed.
And I think all of those things contributed to what I am today.
It molded the Vetzky, strong hard-headed immature Vetzky who faces everything heads up.

But I know I can still improve. There is still a room for improvement in me. I wont stay this way forever, not if I can help it.=D

Help me. Support me. Cheer on me.

I'll try my hardest to be a BETTER Vetzky.=D

I'll try to explain, but will you try to understand?

I can explain.
I have my explanation.
It's valid.
It has supporting arguments.
It's acceptable.

--The only problem is, you still wont understand or you'll refuse to understand. There's a lot of things going on my mind lately. And most of them doesn't make any sense.

I AM NOT OKAY! And no matter how hard I pretend that I am OKAY, I know I AM NOT. Yes, I pretend. That is one thing I'm pretty good at. But my mask is starting to fall off, and my feelings are shouting to the whole world that I AM NOT OKAY.

People are starting to notice, people are starting to wonder, people are starting to ask questions. Questions, which I still have no answers.

I can explain, I know I can. It's just that even though I can explain to you everything, with a little extra bonus, you still won't understand. I know, I am very difficult to understand. Even I don't understand myself. But at least try. Make an effort to understand. And do not give up when everything is just starting and nothing has begun yet.(<-what?)

I know, for a very long time now that I can never please everybody. And with my personality, NOT pleasing everybody is something VERY EASY. But though, I realize and acknowledge that. It still doesn't change the fact that I try my hardest to please everyone whom I think are worth pleasing. So please, don't ask too much. This is my best and this is all I can give. I can give no more than this.

Know what? I did not stopped believing. I still believe that one day, we will both wake up and realize that this whatever thing we have does not matter anymore and we can go back to being friends. I still believe. I did not stop. So please don't start, start believing that there is no hope in me and I'll stay this way forever. I can change. I am trying. VERY HARD.

I'll only stop believing when you start believing.

Early morning EMO-ness..=D

Salamat...

sa pagdamay sa saya at lungkot...
sa pagintindi kahit hinde talaga naiintindihan...
sa mga pilit na ngiting iyong ibinahagi...
sa mga tawanang walang katuturan...
sa pakikinig na hinde pinakikinggan...

Salamat...

sa pagaalala at pagpapagalit...
sa pagtuturo ng tama at mali...
sa paghihintay at pagtiyatiyaga...
sa pagpapasensya at panguunawa...
sa pagkakaibigan binawi din bigla...

SALAMAT, KAIBIGAN...
sa PANG-IIWAN KUNG KELAN KA KINAKAILANGAN.
---------------------------------
This is something I should not be posting/publishing. Posting something when I'm more emotional rather than rational is a very stupid thing to do.

I made the same mistake before and it did not have a good outcome. And I'll be making that same mistake again.

In my current emotional state, doing this blog is not the best idea because I know that I'll be regretting this in the end. But doing this post is the only thing I can think of doing. I am a frustrated writer; I don't talk too much and writing is my only outlet. I know I'll have regrets, I know the implications won't do me good, I know my mistakes, I know yet I refuse to admit that I know them. Do you get what I'm saying?

What I am writing right now might not be making any sense. It never did. This is a product of my VERY chaotic mind, of a very low emotional stability, of a very confused, alone Vetzky.

This is not a bitter post, I even said THANK YOU. I am still grateful that even though the amount of time we shared is very short, I enjoyed every minute of it. I learned so many things. You taught me so many things. And it makes me so sad to know that these things are short-lived and have to end now. That these things made me a better person and yet, everything would just stop here. It really makes me sad.

But what can I do? You wont talk to me, you're not ready to talk to me and I wont be ready to talk to you too. I think I would never be ready.

So I guess this is just it. We can go no more. Our friendship or whatever we have would just end here. So dear friend, thank you. I was so happy you were there for me, even just for a short time.

Stressful day

"nasstress na ako.. nasstress na ako.. nasstress na ako.."

at parang gusto ko din sagutin ng:

"ako din po, stressed na."

---and of course, I did not said it out loud. Today, the Globe Technology Convention was held in Edsa Shangrila. Ms. Jeth and Sir Danny and many other ISG people asked for the cadets' and bmap's help. We helped in facilitating the registration, ID distribution and assisted in the individual vendors' break out sessions.

I cannot say that the event was perfectly organized, it has its flaws; but I am 100% sure that the event was a SUCCESS..=D

Yes, its stressful and exhausting (both mentally and physically) but everything paid off when at the end, the once irate sponsors will approach you and thank you for every little thing that you've done.

I am a very simple person, just one nice word and I'll be very much happy. And because I am a simple person, just one bad word, I'll be totally depressed.

Anyways, got to go now. I still have to attend day 2 of the tech convention tomorrow. Waa,, another stressful day.

Back to where I started

I'm BACK!!!=D

I've been gone for a very long time.. But now I'm BACK!!

Back to where it all begun, back to where it all started..=D

I started blogging here in blogspot, but when multiply entered the scene, I neglected my blogger account. BUT NOW I'M BACK.

And I am planning to share everything again here..=D

I won't blog in multiply anymore..

NEVER..