freaky..

MOOD: oh! sad daY!!='(

Just as I was to conclude that this day was a happy day, something rather someone just have to ruin it, ne? Really freaky, ne?

TO YOU: I'm not stupid, I just pretend to be because I dont want to hurt myself. But, why oh why do you have to do it over and over again? I'm not dumb, I can see what you are doing. Im not made of glass that easily breaks nor im made of steel that is always strong. I have my weak points, but you can never break me by just doing that. But please stop! You'll be hurting yourself too, if you don't stop.

I really cant understand this feeling that is why I cant cope up with it. I am no martyr. Heck! I don't want to waste another six years just to wait for somebody to make up his mind. I just did it with 'frangab' because I was too young then. I was naive and hopelessly obsessed with him. But I cannot do it again. 'frangab' was a different story. I was obsessed with him, and I was hoping that somehow (though he doesn't know me at all), he'll knocked his head hard and voila! he'll just wake up deeply, madly in love with me. And that is what you call a fairytale.

But then, 'ryoi-chan' is another story. You cant keep doing this to me. As I've told you before, I am free. I can never held nor caged. I will always be free.

I dont really understand why most people think that they can catch a butterfly and then expect it to stay where they leave it, especially when they neglect it. Butterflies are meant to fly, fly away with the wind. And not to be left alone in a leaf, not to wait for the someone who dare catch it but leave it. I am not a demanding person, I have few things which I fear and they are:
> frogs
> ghosts
> heights
> mascots
> and of growing old alone..='(

are my fears too many or too great that is why people cant keep them in mind? Waah! Always hated this feeling. I dont want to go back to my old hypocritical self(tama ba?), I dont want to act like a child anymore just to mask what I truly feel. I'm a grown up now so I have to act like one. I dont want slip back to my old comfort shell and shy away from reality. I really hate this.

TO YOU: If ever you're reading this. Please, dont compare yourself to 'frangab' especially to 'knivel'. They are nothing compared to you, at least know that. You've caught the butterfly, you cant put it in a cage but at least hold on to it. But, not too tight just enough to let it know that you are not planning to let it go and still you want it to be free. Talk to me ryoi-chan, dont do this just to retaliate. Please dont. I didn't gave you that paper not because you are not dear to me, God knows how special you are to me. I did not gave it to you because I dont hold. We are both free, remember? PLease, you're very dear to me ryoi-chan so please dont do this. Stop it! I love you.. I really do.. Trust me.. please..='(..