Temporary Hiatus.

Like the title said.. I'm on a temporary hiatus..

Actually I have so many things to write, and oh.. How fast the ideas come to me.. It's just that, I think I should screen all my posts first before.. well.. posting them..

That's all.. So I'm on a temporary hiatus for now.

*oi SHIN!! yuor promise aa! don't forget. and you still have something important to tell me diba..*

YOU really have to read this..

Okay I'll be straight to the point.

This is with regards to my previous post, "On the throes of my anger.."

First of all, I wont apologize to anyone for anything. Except to a friend whom I've hurt intentionally. I think the fault should be laid at my door for not being specific on whom I am pertaining to and thus, unintentionally hurting someone.

But then, I also think that I shouldn't also be the only one to take all the blame. For those who have read my post, either you cared or not, or think that what I wrote was for you. Well, you could've at least asked me or talked to me before assuming. Because frankly speaking, ALL OF YOU'RE ASSUMPTIONS ARE WRONG!!!!!

Do you think I would be that stupid to post something negative about someone when I know that that someone could read it? That is too much risk for me to take.

Okay, before I started blogging, I promised to myself that I won't mention names, but this issue has gone too far.

to ALU, I apologize. Sincerely. I mean no harm. I didn't mean to hurt you, and you know that. I hope you do.

to LUBERT, it wasn't for you. You were not the HIM I mentioned. How can I hate you when you are so loved dearly by my friend?

to JOVEN, okay maybe we have some misunderstandings, but the HIM wasn't definitely you.

to JR, ANDALDAL MO SOBRA!! GRR KA!!=p

I hope that would clear things up. I won't mention names anymore. And I guess it is also not my obligation or whatsoever to disclose to you the guy/s I was pertaining to in my previous post. Whoever they are, they have nothing to do with you..

I think I've learned a very imortant lesson in this. NEVER EVER POST ANYTHING I WROTE WHEN I AM SO ANGRY and BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE.

Damn it! I always get misunderstood, don't I?

On the throes of my anger...

Don't do unto others...

I HATE HIM!! I SO F*****G HATE HIM!

I never felt like ths before. Despising someone up to the point that I cannot even stand his presence. So this is how it'll end, huh? Then so be it!

I've been betrayed, by foes and friends alike, at least a dozen of times before. But through all that betrayal, I never felt as angry as I am now than I was before. Hell! I can't type anything with sense. I'm so angry that I can break down any minute now. I'm not just disappointed with what I've just discovered, I'm also so effing angry and hurt and everything.

If that's how ALL of you wanted things to be! Then so be it! I don't need any of you! I can do this on my own! I'll prove to all of you that I can do all alone what you can do together. I'll even surpass that! I can do better! scratch that! I can do best!!

I am a good friend. Not better, not best. But I know and I can prove that I am a good friend. But I can also be your WORSTest ENEMY!

I can have the patience of a priest when I wanted to. I can also be as understanding as anyone could get! And I also have my limitations. And thanks to you. I've been pushed to my limit.

You've hurt me beyond repair! And you'll taste my vengeance!

So you think badly of me, huh? I suggest that you should change that term 'badly' now. Change it to something more evil! More cruel! Something more than you can imagine.

So, you dream of living in a life of luxury and happiness! Then it's time to forget that dream because I'll take that away and give you your worst nightmare.

Do you think that you could have a bright future? Hahaha! Don't make me laugh! As if I'll let you have a bright future when you turn mine into a bleak and dreary one.

After you graduate, do you aspire in getting into big, multinational companies? Well, sorry baby! I can ban you or put your name in the black-list of every big, multinational company you can think of. And don't take this as a joke or a threat, because it isn't.

This is a warning! I am only telling you what I can do, not what I am planning to do. Because although you've done me enough damage to last me a lifetime, there is still a part of me that holds back. A part of me that wants me to forget everything bout you including vengeance.

Stop messing with my life! Damn you! Because I do not know what I am capable of doing if you still push me further. As I've said before, I am already at my limit, don't push me further. Don't wait for the time that I slip out of my sanity and do something irrevocably wrong.

...what you don't want others to do unto you.


**all written above are product of my fragile state of mind and riotous swirl of emotions. You can think anything of me! I don't care! Because right now, betrayal mixed with hurt mixed with disappointment is not a very good combination.

Idiosyncrasy

*Till now, I always got by on my own. I never cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bones.*

Like a broken record, it keeps on playing and playing inside my head..NONSTOP. And it is so effing annoying. Iono why, but I keep on hearing the song Alone(by heart) playing over and over again.

Yey! My 300hours are up! I am finally done with my OJT. But somehow, I can't help but feel sad. I'll surely miss everyone from ITSS. I had the utmost fun in my 1 and a half month of stay there. Everyone was so nice and accomodating. I wish I could extend my stay. But then That would be impossible, ne? Because I still have my studies to consider. Hmm.. But from all of them, I'll definitely miss Sir ChieChan the most. Wanna know why?

I hope he won't be able to find this blog because what I am about to spill is sensitive and would make things complicated if he somehow finds out.

Anyway.. Since then, the beginning of time. I've always been attracted to guys, wrong guys, guys who never cared about me or guys who are already taken. And when I say taken I mean those guys who are already committed and who are very loyal to their partner. Wuhla lang, it's frustrating I know. But that's how it frequently is. Curious why? well, maybe that's because I see how they take care of their partner and how they cherish them. And then it makes me wonder what if I am at that girl's place, then without realizing it, my playful wondering would then turn to something serious and before I know it I've already fallen for the guy. It boggles my mind, why I keep on doing this? A thing that I know would hurt me in the end. I have no plans of getting in between happy couples or in being a third party. So everytime I fall for a guy who is already taken, I always tend to keep it all to myself. Which I know is the best thing to do to avoid others getting hurt. Then in the end, it is I who hurt the most. But I just can't help it. Maybe I am a masochist, because I enjoy hurting myself over and over again. I never learn.

I keep on wondering when does this idiosyncrasy of mine began. I even think that this is not just an idiosyncrasy but a sickness, a sickness that can never be cured. But then Ryoi-chan came, and I thought I finally got over my idiosyncrasy, I got cured from my sickness. because finally, I fell for someone who is free and who actually cares about me too. I was very happy, I was cured, But then, it was all a joke, a lie. I wasn't really cured at all, because when Ryoi-chan left, i had a relapse. My sickness came back. Yes it came back.

And the latest victim? Sir ChieChan! ChieChan is a employee from where I am having my OJT. At first, I really dont pay too much attention to him because I am busy ogling after Sir Mark (another co-worker). But I must admit that ChieChan caught my attention the first time I saw him. He looks so innocent, so child-like. And before I realize it, I grew fond of him. But I regarded that fondness as something sisterly-like. I always wanted a boy-sibling, it can either be older or younger. It doesn't matter. And I see ChieChan as a candidate for that.

But as the time progresses by, that fondness grew into something more. From the sisterly-like fondness, it continued to developed into something far more exciting and dangerous. I am already falling in love with him, and when I fall, I fall hard. Actually, I see nothing wrong with falling for him. He is nice, he does not look bad, he is intelligent and he has a great sense of humor. The only drawback is, he has a girlfriend. They've been together for 11yrs now and to make things worse, they are already engaged!

OUCH! See what I've gotten myself into? Another messy heartbreak. And guess what? My friends cant help but cheer on me to pursue him! What the ****!!! I maybe a flirt (a shameless one, even) but I never dally with stick-to-one, loyal boyfriends. My friends say that as long as they're not yet married, nothing is final! but HELLO!! maybe they are not yet a family but still, if ever I encourage what I am feeling, I would still make things hard for them(I won't be able to break a relationship apart, that is too much! I am not even beautiful enough to be a bf-stealing bitch) I am a product of a broken family, and I know how much it hurts. And I am not that bad to make other people feel the pain, even half of it. I hate hurting other people, though sometime I unconsciously do it. My conscience just can't bear the thought that I am the cause of other's pains and sorrows. So as much as I can I try to avoid hurting others.Well, sometimes, I do intentionally hurt other people. Especially those who are close and special to me. But, If they are suffering, I feel twice if not thrice the pain they are feeling. I suffer too, though I am very good at hiding it.

And of course, I dont want ChieChan to know my feelings. For one simple reason! That is, it also hurts to know that someone is stupidly waiting in vain for you. And in the process of waiting, that someone is suffering because it knows in its heart that no matter how long it waits, it would still and will forever be waiting in vain for you. And it is only human nature to also feel pain when you found out that someone is suffering because of you. And I don't want ChieChan to feel that kind of feeling. It's not a good one.

Hay, I am itching to meet my Prince Charming who has with him the cure for my sickness. Since I'm already done with my OJT, I hope I would be able to get over my stupid fondness to ChieChan.. I'll be missing him big time, and maybe the next time we see each other he'll already be married. My only wish is for him to be happy and for him not to find out what I really feel. Please gods! Grant me this boon, never let ChieChan find out my true feelings.

*How do I get you ALONE? How do I get you ALONE?*